Lucius' day off
by Summit Onion
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is having a problem he did not imagine to find himself in; he has no idea what to do on his day off, thus having to ask a rather unlikely person for advice.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Due to a couple of opinions on the content of this story i have been asked rewrite it since "people may make conclusions" about my personal life.  
That would suck though, since it's kind of the central part of the story, so instead i'm putting up this disclaimer and decline any sort of connection between the moral views and actions of the characters of this story and myself.  
If Mr. Malfoy does something, it doesn't automatically mean i have done it myself.  
_

 _Also, don't do drugs.  
At least not if it's illegal._

* * *

Lucius Malfoy was bored.

It didn't happen often since there always was some evil schemes to scheme, plots to plot and politicians to scare.  
On this day however, he had nothing to do.

The main chamber of the Wizengamot was being renovated, so he had gotten a day off.  
Because of that, Narcissa had gotten the idea of spending the day by going to the North Pole with Draco to find a polar bear. Draco had apparently found certain interest in a girl his own age lately, and ordinary teddy bears was too ordinary to be a gift worthy a girl of a Noble house.  
Especially if it was a gift from a Malfoy.

Lucius had agreed that it was a fine choice for being a non-magical creature, considering the white fur, the somewhat mighty fangs and all, but he had suggested to send some servants to get one instead.

"No Lucius, it's time we do something together as a family! Something else than playing politics and pitting muggles against each other in cockfights!" she had said, but Lucius really couldn't be arsed to travel a gigantic ice cube in search of a pet monster for Draco, heating spells or not.  
It wasn't that he didn't love his son or anything, it just seemed too tedious and he would rather go to Japan and bathe in hot springs if they were going on a family trip

Narcissa had gotten furious and sent all the servants home over the day on paid vacation.

"I've left some sliced dragon tail with pineapple and cheese in the fridge for you, just heat it when you feel hungry" she had said before they apparated away.

Lucius considered himself lucky since he had never learned how to cook, growing up in an insanely wealthy family where he litteraly had gotten everything served on silver plates.  
It wouldn't do well for a man of his caliber to go out eating all by himself since people would draw conclusions from it.  
They wouldn't respect him as a politician if he couldn't even keep his family together, so he had just accepted things as they were and decided to spend his day off all alone.

But what would he do?

He had never been alone in the huge Malfoy Manor.  
There was always some kind of background noise drowning the sounds of the mind to some extent, but now he heard strange sounds. Something like tortured souls wailing in horror from being cruciated in honor of the Dark Lord. Those had been good days.  
Was it his conscience knocking on the doors of his mind?

Aah right, he had forgotten.  
It was just the caged muggles he kept in the toolshed for field-target practice.  
The servants must've forgot to renew the quieting charm lately.  
Might as well go out and do it himself he thought. Not that he didn't enjoy the howling, but he didn't want to risk getting tired of it.

He walked out the back door facing the wide meadow he used to call backyard.  
It seemed even bigger now that Draco and his friends weren't there playing "reign in fire", a game where they all imperioed one muggle each, trying to have them avoid falling slabs of molten iron and where the winner was the one whose muggle hadn't been burned to a crisp yet.

Using an imperioed muggle as a game piece had apparently been inspired by some muggle entertainment involving wires leading to a very thick painting with a glowing picture.  
Even though they were lesser creatures they seemed to have those occasional ideas worth further consideration.

Sure, it hadn't been cheap to register the whole house with the surrounding land as trans-dimensional property, thus rendering the ministry incapable of tracking any of the magical activity occurring there, which included the use of unforgivable curses and usage of wands by minors, which was why Draco had been allowed to get some practice before entering Hogwarts.

But it was worth it in the long run anyway due to the tax-exemptions.

The screams from the toolshed stopped as he approached it.  
Lucius stopped for a minute as his gears started grinding louder and louder. After all, he was home alone and could do exactly anything he pleased with no one in his family or among his servants knowing a thing.  
Maybe… maybe just this once, he could do something unexpected without someone important believing he had gone mad.

He walked into the toolshed and saw three figures dressed in burnt clothes.  
Dressed was maybe a strong word. Somewhat covered, they were at least.  
He accidentaly saw the manhood of the leftmost one.  
It was bigger than his own.

" _Reducio_!" yelled Lucius as the once banana-sized limb of the man shrunk to the size of half his pinky finger.

The other two had previously watched Lucious with wide open eyes. Now they were both looking to their right with their eyebrows almost touching their hairlines.

"Would you have preferred to be cruciated again?" asked Lucius with a stern look.

None of the three caged muggle men wanted to answer that.

Lucius tried to calm himself down, realizing this wouldn't help achieving what he had wanted just some seconds earlier.  
Or did it?

"Okay… that was maybe a little bit too far. But none the less reason to listen to my offer i suppose".

Three bodies were as solid as rock.

"Listen closely. My family and my servants are all away, and i have a day off with the house all to myself.  
I am really, really bored and have no idea what to do today.  
Do you have any ideas?"

The muggles still didn't move.

"I'm not going to set you on fire or torture you again, just take your time to figure something out. If it's good, maybe i'll even be ni…"

The muggles relaxed a little as they took on puzzled faces, watching the white-haired man struggling to say that last word.

"Maybe i'll be n…  
Look, you will be handsomely rewarded. Okay?"

"Okay…" said the three muggles in small, but perfectly synchronized voices.

They turned to each other and discussed quietly, whereas they towards the end of the discussion said "really?", " noooo!" and "do you really have any better idea?".  
The leftmost fellow, a seemingly young man, stood up and faced Lucius with a worried look.

"You could try LSD."

"Stop! Before you say anything more i have to be sure you aren't tricking me out of spite."

Lucius pulled forth a vial of veritaserum from his robe and put two drops in the muggles mouth.

"So… what is this ellesty you are talking about?"

"L-S-D, it is a drug that some… muggles… consider the closest thing they can get to magic."

"WHAT?! MUGGLES CAN'T USE MAGIC!"

"N… n… no… i mean, it changes the users mind into seeing the world from another perspective, and some would probably deem that perspective as magical."

"Speak English you nitwit!"

"Sorry Mr. Malfoy! I mean that it makes you see things and believe things that… i really can't explain it, but a good trip is really wonderful."

"What do you mean by trip? Do you travel with it?"

"No, it's just called a trip when you use it. It's like… like traveling in your mind."

"Is it dangerous?"

"It can be, but not like poison or something like that. You can get depressed though if you're unlucky or uncareful."

"What's depressed?"

"Don't wizards… never mind. You get very sad."

"Sadness is for petty fools who are unsure of their choices!  
Are you certain i will enjoy this… LSD?"

"No. But if you do, it will probably be one of the most enjoyable things you have done."

"I suppose you are right. No muggle can lie under influence of veritaserum, and definitely not two drops.  
Very well. How do i acquire this LSD?"

"I… have some in my home. Take it all if you want. I can give you the address."

"No. You will take me there. _Reparo!_ "

The clothes of the muggle got restored to how they were when he had been caught by one of Malfoy's servants 2 weeks ago.

The streets of the muggle cities were far too vast for Lucius to waste his precious time on navigating, and traveling with someone resembling a scorched slave (which was exactly what he had been) would be both embarrassing and time-consuming.

"As far as you two are concerned" continued Lucius, "you have been wise to let this fellow speak his mind undisturbed. You are free to go if you want.

Touch the middle knob on the board left of the gates and you will arrive in London. _Alohomora._ "

The lock of the cage opened with a heavy clicking sound and the two muggles looked carefully at the white-haired man with slightly open mouths and tears starting to show in the corners of their eyes.

"You better go before i change my mind" said Lucius with a poisonous tone.

The two men ran, faster than what's considered healthy, towards the gates.

The third muggle, still in the cage, suddenly felt a hand grabbing his arm followed by a force yanking his whole body in an unknown direction, feeling like being squeezed through a very thin rubber tube, and eventually vomited as he appeared on the streets of London.


	2. Chapter 2

The muggle felt like he had been swallowed by an angry badger and instantly come out in the other end.  
How did he get here?  
Oh right… the white-haired wizard…

"For the sake of convenience i might as well learn your name for this journey. You already know me as Mr. Malfoy. And you are…?"

Instead of an evil mage, the muggle was now looking at someone who more resembled an evil lawyer.  
Is that a real golden beetle holding his tie in place?

"I'm… Jacob, i suppose… you haven't turned me into a newt or something, have you?" said Jacob where he stood on all four, quite shaken from being apparated

"Don't be silly. If anything, i would rather turn you into a dung beetle, muggle. I mean, Jacob.  
Now, how do we get to your shoebox, or barrel or whatever you live in?"

"We'll take the tube, i guess."

"Do i look like an idiot? How in Merlin's outhouse are we supposed to travel on a tube?"

"It's what we call the underground train..."

" _Obliviate!  
_ Well that was embarrasing…"

"What?"

" _Obliviate!"_

"We'll take the tube, i guess."

"No Jacob, i don't feel like being pushed between unknown people with dirty bodies.  
Are there any more private alternatives?"

"I suppose we could ask my private jet to pick us up."

"And what is that, Jacob?"

Jacob flinched for a moment and thought to himself, as quietly as possible, since he had learnt during the two last weeks that the wizard apparently could read minds when having eye contact: Why is Mr. Malfoy so… polite? And does he really have that little knowledge about the non-magical world?  
That truth serum seemed to had lost most of its effect by now and Jacob decided he might as well take it up a step.  
He felt for some reason that messing with an evil wizard was interesting enough to weigh up the risk of getting incinerated on the spot.  
His wiener had shrunk to the size of a big peanut by now, so what more did he have to lose anyway?

"Don't you know? It's one of those flying bird-shaped machines made out of metal. Everyone has at least one."

"Really? It would indeed be interesting to travel with one".

"Allright then. Since there's no space to land here they have to pick us up with the hang seat."

"The hang seat?"

"Yeah it's like a seat hanging down under it which can pick us up without stopping. Just stand like this next to me to show you're also a passenger, and i'll whistle for them to come. Should just take a couple of seconds."

Jacob bent his knees where he stood on the sidewalk, looking like he was about to sit down, and crossed his hands above his head.  
Lucius watched the young man with scepticism, but eventually took on the same pose next to Jacob and faced the same direction. Lucius was too occupied to hold a serious face to notice Jacob being on the verge of losing his own serious face.  
Jacob gave off a sharp whistle, and two old ladies walking across the street looked upon the odd couple with wide open eyes and slightly open mouths.

"Is that some new kind of yoga?" whispered one of the ladies.

"I don't know Margaret… do you have your pepper spray, just in case they are mad?" whispered the other one.

"No, i thought you had it."

"Just keep walking. And stop staring." said the other lady as they picked up their pace, throwing occasional glances across the street.

5 seconds passed.

"Jacob… Why did they look at us like that?"

Jacob couldn't keep himself together anymore and started laughing hysterically.  
The old ladies both looked back with fear and started running as fast as was appropriate for women of their age.

"I'm sorry Mr. Malfoy" wheezed Jacob with tears running down his face while standing bent like a cheese doodle, still laughing.  
"I was just joking and wanted to see if you believed me."

Lucius' face turned red and thin streaks of smoke actually came out if his ears.

"You little shit! How dare you mock me, the head of the Malfoy house!" said Lucius as he reached for the wand inside his suit.

The ladies who still were throwing occasional glances back simultaneously yelled "Gun! Aieeeeh!" in the bright voice that two horrified old ladies usually would have, threw their handbags and started running way faster than they should be able to.  
People down the street moved aside and watched them with puzzled faces and looked around for a gunman, but all they could see was a businessman and a laughing youngster.

Lucius stopped for a moment, realizing no harm had actually been done. Those muggle ladies probably didn't know him anyway.  
He took his hand out of his suit, holding no wand, and instead took on a slight smile. Then he started laughing aswell, though in a more proper manner than the wheezing Jacob.  
This day was odd enough already, so why not have a laugh instead of getting all fired up.

"I admit Jacob, that was a good one. Do you usually go around and scare old women like that?"

"Nah, that was just a coincidence."

"I see. I suppose you don't have private jet then either?"

"No of course not, only the richest of the rich have those."

"I guess i should have realized that" said Lucius, still carrying a slight smile.

"Let's just move along then. How do we really get to your home?"

"We could take a cab."

"Then summon one with haste."

Jacob whistled loudly, and a black cab stopped right in front of them.

Lucius was a bit impressed, albeit not too much, of how fast that was without the use of a couldn't comprehend the dialect of either Jacob or the driver during their quick exchange of words, sounding rather like the drunkards in Knockturn Alley.  
Jacob stepped into the back seat of the cab and Lucius followed after.  
They both quietly watched the passing streets with solemn faces for a while. Jacob was just happy to be on his way home and Lucius… well, he had gotten a bit curious, now that he could look at anything he wanted without anyone of importance seeing him.

"Oh merlin's ass!"

Jacob thought to himself, again very quiet: "is that really how wizards curse? Wait… was Merlin real?".

"I forgot to exchange for muggle money at Gringott's. Is there any way to trade in gold around here?"

"You could try at the pawn broker over there. We're almost at my place anyway.

Oi, we're off here mate!"

Jacob handed the driver what few coins he had left and the odd couple stepped out on the street.

Lucius found himself in front of a shop with a sign saying "Reissig's Pawning".

It seemed very much like the muggle equivalent of Borgin and Burkes, judging by the ornamented swords and odd jewelry lying in display.  
He stepped through the open door hearing something resembling a bell. It ringed again when Jacob came in.  
Had this muggle some sort of connections with wizards, and how could he display an alerting charm so openly in the muggle world?

"Good day Mr. Reissig. Haven't sold my watch yet, have ya?"

A short man with a striking resemblance to an angrier version of bank teller Bogrod at Gringott's kept staring down at the counter, seeming to be tinkering with a box filled with cogs and springs.

"Do i look like i have a shortage of junk to sell?" said a coarse voice from the little man.

"Now what business do you have here today, Jacob?"

"You don't happen to buy gold, do ya?"

"Not from you."

"As so happens, i've got a new client for ya. Meet Mr. Malfoy."

The little man looked up from his tinkering and inspected Lucius' attire with a steady look.

"I suppose i have to open the vault?"

"No, it's just a matter of a small exchange for some… daily errands." said Lucius, sounding as formal as he usually did.

He took out a small silver lined purse from his pocket and took 20 galleons from it.

"How much would one get for these?" he said, and laid them in a perfect stack on the counter.

"One minute" said the man and took out a scale, a small beaker, a cup of water and some pointy instruments.

After he had weighted the coin, dropped it in water and inspected it in all sorts of strange manners he said "The gold ain't too much, but they seem well made and should have some collector's value. Eighty pounds seem fair?"

"That seems fair" said Lucius with absolute certainty, even though he had no idea how much 80 pounds was in the muggle world.  
He always sent servants when errands had to be done here.  
He didn't even consider the thought of asking Jacob about the purchasing power of such an amount, since that just would be embarrassing when wearing such a nice suit.

Hands exchanged money swiftly, and the odd couple were off.

"What have you planned to do later today when you have… you know, taken it?" said Jacob.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean like, are you going to sit in the park watching the birds or are you gonna go back home and just sit there all day?"

"I haven't really thought of that. What would one usually do when… tripping?"

"I think i have some ideas."


End file.
